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Nostradamus is my homeboy

By Dusty Plunkett
The Times-Journal

Published December 28, 2007

Another year filled with many surprises has come and gone. Well, at least most people were surprised.

You may not know this about me but I actually have the ability to predict the future. Yes that’s right.

I even knew you were going to be reading this right now, Janet from Rainsville. Pretty scary isn’t it?

To give everyone an early look at what will be making headlines in 2008 I have decided to share a few predictions with you today:

-After the price of crude oil continues to soar, the makers of Gas-X will focus all of their attention on an automobile that requires no fuel. In retaliation, ExxonMobil will begin mass production on the world’s first high-octane bean burrito.

-Alabama will beat Auburn. The university debate team will then celebrate their victory by playing World of Warcraft for 33 straight hours.

-A new reality show chronicling the lives of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears will be broadcast in high definition causing the stock of 13-inch black and white UHF/VHF televisions to reach a record high.

-On Valentine’s night I will have two dates. I will then have an apple, followed by a few strawberries.

-Dennis Kucinich will be elected president. Three weeks into his term, the Star Wars Role-playing Club will impeach him for being "a little too out there.”

-After a record-setting day for weddings on lucky July 7, 2007, diabetes and high cholesterol will reign supreme on Aug. 8 of this year with millions of people wanting to look back and remember the day when all they did was ate, ate, ate.

-Katie Holmes will file divorce papers citing “irreconcilable differences.” Tom Cruise will counter by citing “too many big words to understand.”

-After winning Super Bowl XLII, the New England Patriots will enjoy all of the highlights of their undefeated season while watching film shot by their personal cameraman, Maxwell Smart.

So there you have it. Now you know what you have to look forward to in 2008.

I predict you will continue to read this newspaper throughout the year just to see if I’m right.

I also predict that you will shower me with money and gifts to show your appreciation for my unique psychic ability.

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811 Greenhill Blvd.NW, Fort Payne, Alabama 35967 | Tel: 256-845-2550 | Email