Well, I’ve gone and done it again. I’ve lost my keys. They have been AWOL for two weeks now. I’ve even had new keys cut. I thought surely that would beckon my lost ones out of hiding, but even that didn’t work. There aren’t many things more annoying than not being able to find what we have lost or misplaced. Well, one thing that might be more annoying is someone asking, “Where did you lose it?” There are certain items around the house that seem to regularly sprout legs when we aren’t looking and go play hide and seek. When I was a kid, Mama used to tell me I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders. While I’ve never lost my head, sometimes I think I may have lost my...my...you know, that thing inside my head. As I’ve gotten older, the problem has grown worse, but it has always been there. Recently, I’ve been thinking about some of the items that have disappeared over the years. I’ll dare to say, you have the same problem with some of the same items. So, here are some of the ones on my list.

1. Keys. Ever asked, “Have you seen my keys, please?” I’ve come to realize that the “key” to not losing keys, is to put them in the same spot every night. I’ve made a habit of doing that each night, every night, except for one night, about two weeks ago. I’ve searched high and low, but I still haven’t found them. I think they may have run off and joined the circus or eloped with my neighbor’s keys. Once, about 30 years ago, I lost my keys only to find them about a year later lying in the grass in the middle of my back yard. If they had been a snake in the grass, they would have bitten me! This time I know they are inside because I came home that night and used them to get in the house. I’m sure glad Jesus holds the eternal keys, and not me!

2. Cell Phones. Cell phones were harder to lose in their early days because they about the size of a 1958 Ford Edsel. Now you can buy one in a wrist watch. Now, you can lose your phone and your watch all at the same time. For some reason, Jean does not find it humorous when she asks me if I’ll call her phone and I say, “Here phone, here boy.” I have one simple question to ask. Why is it, when you misplace your phone, the ringer is always turned off? Sometimes we get blessed and it is on vibrate and on a hard surface. If you turn off the television, heater, refrigerator, freezer, washing machine, and ask the bullfrogs to shut-up, you might hear it vibrating.

3. Remote Controls. I was the remote control before we had remote controls! I think we should all do like the hospitals and put TV remotes on a long cord. We have 398 remotes in our house and at any given time I can only find 375 of them. No, not really, but we have too many. I need one universal remote to control everything, but then when I misplace it, nothing will work. You can’t even call your remote like you can your cell phone, but I do understand they now make one with a locater in it. Maybe we need those in everything.

I’ve reached my word count, so we’ll finish this list next week, or in the next 39. Until then, since I don’t have truck keys, can someone please come drive me to work?

— Bill King is a native of Rainsville, where he and his wife graduated from Plainview High School. King is a director of missions in Opelika, a writer, musician and author. His column appears in the Times-Journal weekend edition. Visit brobillybob.com for more information.

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